Individuals come together and form couples out of mutual attraction each to the other. They join together to become a committed couple, because each sees an opportunity to become fulfilled in ways they cannot achieve as separate individuals. Often those need-fulfillment issues are not expressed in words between partners before entering into an intimate relationship. Problems develop between partners when one or both begin to feel that their needs are not being met by the relationship. Frustration, anger and discontent can fester until the love and attraction that initiated the relationship begins to erode.
Many times problems lie in ineffective or inappropriate communication between partners. In such cases, therapy begins by working with couples to build communication skills in ways that are appropriate to the couple. Sometimes styles of communication are the problem. Persons need to learn how to express their needs and frustrations without hurting. Persons need to learn to hear expressions of need or frustration without feeling that the intent was to hurt. Communication styles need to be forged that will make it possible to express needs or discontent in ways that do not make the partner feel disrespected or put-down. Persons need to be able to give feedback without arguing and beginning a cycle of interchanges that ends in an emotional disruption of relationships. [Click here for descriptions of other issues couples face.]
Sometimes a couple is led in developing a list of 4 or 5 rules for fighting fair – rules like: Don’t interrupt. Use respectful language. No put-downs. Give the other partner feedback on what you heard him or her say.
Once partners have begun to communicate in ways that do not raise anger and block understanding, they can stop seeing their partners as enemy combatants. Then we are ready to address other issues that are blocking healthy, loving relationships. The job of a counselor at this point is to conduct the kind of assessment of the relationship that will identify issues that create stress and disharmony. Some of these issues we see are: Finances, control issues, parenting differences, in-laws problems, poor negotiation skills, lack of agreement on common goals.
If both partners in the relationship are willing to work to learn new skills and begin to cooperate to achieve their common goals, the couple can realize the harmony and happiness they wish for.
Marriage and Couples Issues Family Life Children and Adolescents